They always tell you to have fun at auditions. It's standard advice, especially at dance auditions. When I went in and auditioned for the fall dance concert, I bumped into my choreography teacher and when she asked me how I was doing, I told her I was nervous and she told me to just have fun. Only thing is, I cannot have fun at auditions. Auditions are humiliating, embarrassing walks of shame that are a fiasco waiting to happen, with the panelists silently ripping you to shreds with your every move.
I have a permanently negative association with auditions. My first ever audition was when I was in fifth grade, when I auditioned for the choir, and all my friends got in but me. It was painful. It was embarrassing, The humiliation was beyond compare. Half of my diaries and journals of fifth grade were laments about not making it into the choir. My friends who made the choir had no empathy for me. I didn't feel my friends were any better than me. I took it as a personal insult. That my music teacher was displaying favoritism towards my friends. I felt so alone. Then, to add insult to injury to insult and injury, i was forced to watch when I would set up for the class immediately afterward. I may not have made the choir, but I could at least project my voice. My friends in the choir, I couldn't hear them from a foot away! Then, to add insult to injury in restospect, one of my friends who made the choir is now at Juliard. And look where I am, a chronic college student who's chosen by destiny to dwell in mediocrity until they stick me in a crypt.
That failed audition scarred me for life. I did not audition for ANYTHING until earlier this year. I auditioned for the Trolley Dances, and I didn't make it, but there were about eighty dancers auditioning and only a handful got in. Then I auditioned for the fall concert at my college. Granted, I was offered a part in the fall dance concert which I had to turn down due to time constraints, but I still have an extremely negative connotation with auditions.
This brings me here-the next concert is going to be student choreographed, and i auditioned a piece I had choreographed. It would have been a piece about insane asylums in the 1800s and how they were horrifying and also sources of entertainment. The first half would have been modern dance to Gates of Delirium by Midnight Syndicate, the second half would have been a chorus line to Girls! Girls! Girls! by Emilie Autumn. I had my hopes up the next day when one of my teachers told me my ideas were interesting, but that evening I got an email saying I didn't make it. I know it's not the end of the world and that you win some you lose some, but then my first audition comes back to haunt me. I have an appointment to receive feedback, but in the meantime, I can't help but wonder, where did I put my foot in my mouth? did it look too improvised? Should I have not made a comment that the girls who would be in the the chorus line would be very fit by the time of the concert? What did the other people do that was so groundbreaking that it put mine to shame? Was I dealt a bad hand of panelists, and would my odds have been better had all of the teachers on the panel been teachers I have currently/had in the past, instead of 2/4 teachers I've had?
That brings me back to auditions. What's the point of auditions if they're just going to pick their lapdogs? Why herd curs like me in to get our nerves on edge and hopes up, only to pick your lapdogs anyway? I already had in mind some classmates I wanted to be in my piece. I wouldn't have needed to audition them, I already know they're great dancers and would have picked them anyway even without an audition. I know I have a very cynical view of auditions, but what's the point of an audition if it's not so much about weeding out the best and selecting the cream of the crop, but it's all about playing favorites. Oh, while I'm at the cynicism, I have a hunch that all the pieces that were selected are all going to suck.
Yes, I'm a cynic when it comes to auditions. Yes, I know I have a negative outlook on auditions. Yes, I know auditions are a crapshoot, and that you win some, you lose some, but it seems to me like I'm casting dice with a pair of dice that will only roll snake eyes. On the day I was rejected from the choir, a demon was born, and I do not think I will be able to have a successful audition until that demon has been exorcised.
I have tons of homework, finals week is upon me, and though I'm chipping away at my homework, all I want to do is read and watch movies until it doesn't hurt anymore.